Defining Moments
by snipsa
Summary: It's what makes me who I am A look at what made Nick Stokes the man we know...


Disclaimer – I own nothing, I'm not that smart, or rich, or… well you get the idea. No money is being made of this little ditty, it's only done for my own enjoyment and hopefully a few readers' as well.

Spoiler alert – Plenty for many episodes up to and including Season 5. (Season 6 hasn't started in SA yet…)

Authors' Note – This is my first CSI fic, although I've spent about three weeks reading almost every Nick fic I could find I'm still a bit afraid of posting this as it's very different from anything I've ever done before.

P.S – English isn't my first language, please let me know if any grammar or spelling mistakes stands out that I can change it if necessary. Thanks in advance. Okay on with the story.

**

* * *

Defining moments**

The defining moments in your life usually consists of a bunch of firsts. The first time you can sit up, crawl, walk, talk, run, first day of school, last day of school, your first love, your first day at work, well you get the idea...

Well, I've experienced most of the above, but were they defining, did they make me the man I am? I can honestly say too many other things have happened in my life that most of the above doesn't even register when I think of firsts.

At the tender age of nine I experienced utter, horrifying fear for the first time. I also realized the cruelty of the world for the first time in those three hours left alone with the babysitter.

Let's see other firsts at age nine. The first time I hated my parents, blamed them for all the bad in the world although I knew it wasn't fair to them. It was also the first time I showered for more than three hours every day for a week but could never feel clean. The first time I felt ashamed of myself, ashamed of what I did, since I didn't realize that none of it had been my fault.

Yes it seems most of my defining firsts happened at the tender age of nine and almost nothing since then can compare.

Other firsts later on in life…

Well I went through many of the firsts I mentioned, I graduated, had a first day of work, both in Dallas and Las Vegas.

Then came the first time I felt truly disappointed in myself. Silk, silk, silk… Let's rather not go there. It was also the first time I really hated what I had become, a little boy seeking approval for the smallest of tasks; well I've moved past that and can finally say that this specific incident defined me. It made me realize that I can do whatever I want for other people, but I'll never truly be happy if I don't do it for myself as well. Thanks Griss!

There was also of course the first time I feared death, having a homicidal maniac pull a gun on you can do that to you, ya know?

Then there's Kristy. The first time since nine I thought I could really trust a woman with all my heart. The first time love came into the picture. Well it's also the first real loss I've ever experienced; man that was a difficult year…

O yeah, let's not forget the psycho that tried to take over my life, who violated me in a way I haven't been violated since I was nine. He saw everything, all my nightmares, every single fear and delight in my life, since Nigel I've never been able to go to sleep without checking my attic first. Wow, who'd have guessed, another first…

Then came the first time I finally felt I had the respect of my boss, the fact that he recommended me for the promotion had helped me in ways I can't ever describe. But I also realized that I didn't need that respect, as long as I could respect myself I had all the respect I needed.

Then of course came a fear that pushed all other fears to the wayside. A fear I'll never wish on my greatest enemy. The fear of dying slowly on your own with nobody knowing where to look and with no hope of getting out alive.

It was also the first time I contemplated taking my own life, no, I'm not suicidal, but having to choose between asphyxiation and a bullet to the brain can make anybody just a tiny bit suicidal.

Wow, I make it sound like my life has been one big angst-filled fest. I don't want it to seem that way. I've had many great experiences as well, great friends, a loving family, I have a great job and help people for a living. I guess it's like the saying goes; you remember the bad a lot easier than you remember the good.

Now I'm at the final first, the first time I had to make the decision between my life or that of another. When I saw the car barreling down the road towards that little boy I knew that there was no choice, I don't think I've ever run that fast in my life.

So as I lie here, thinking of everything that has defined me, I realize that I wouldn't want to change any of it, because without all these moments I wouldn't have been here, and a little boy would not have been able to have his own set of firsts. I only hope that his doesn't have to be quite as colorful as my own…


End file.
